RECIPE: HOW TO MAKE GUM
(First, buy a $200,000 combine harvester then read my instructions below)
alan skeoch
August 2, 2018
“Want of make your own gum, Marjorie?”
“Better things to do with my time…like cleaning house.”
“Sit down, I’ll show you how to make good gum.”
“Sometimes I wonder about your sanity, Alan.”
‘Best gum is home made gum.”
“Gum?”
“Just pay attention…this is a lost art…something that every farm girl and boy new how to do years ago….making their own Gum. Do not lose this historic moment.
First you need a field of ripe wheat…like this crop on the, Skeoch, Kon farm on the Fifth line of Erin Township.
Next you need to buy a $200,000 combine harvester from John Deere.
Then you need 3 large trucks to haul the grain.
Then you need a guy like Sean to drive the combine harvester…
“Now for the serious business of making Gum?”
“Alan, you are a brick short of a load.”
“Here is the recipe, make notes, I am only going to tell you once…or twice…or more…times”
“Marjorie, where are you? She has left me all alone. Fine student she has turned out to be.”
MAKING GUM: INSTRUCTIONS
1) ROLL A FEW HEADS OF RIPE GRAN IN THE PALM OF OUR HAND.
2) BLOW AWAY THE CHAFF…GENTLY.
3) SHOVEL THE KERNELS INTO YOUR MOUTH…HELTER SKELTER…AND CHEW THE KERNELS OF WINTER WHEAT.
4) KEEP CHEWNG AND A MIRACLE WILL HAPPEN…NEVER FAILS
5) PRESTO, YOU HAVE A MOUTHFUL OF THE BEST GUM NATURE CAN PROVIDE.
NOW, WHILE CHEWING JOIN ME As I FOLLOW THE COMBINE ON THE FARM….CHEW…CHEW…CHEW.
GOT THE IDEA? GO FINE A FIELD OF RIPE WINTER WHEAT…
“ALAN, THE PEOPLE FROM THE ONTARIO PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL HAVE ARRIVED.”
“DO THEY WANT TO MAKE GUM?”
“NOT REALLY…THEY, HOWEVER, WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO YOU.”
“WAIT UNTIL I STICK MY WAD OF GUM ON THE BACK OF THIS CHAIR.”
“DON’T YOU DARE.”
“JUST WATCH ME, AS PIERRE ONCE SAID.”
alan skeoch
August 2, 2018