Alan Skeoch

Year: 2018

  • DAD HITS THE DITCH WITH THE 1953 METEOR

    DAD HITS THE DITCH…BLAMES  THE  ROAD
    “Fix your goddamn road…hear me….FIX YOUR ROAD!!”
    ‘Red!  Red!  Be careful, you’re weaving all over the road.”
    “have to miss the pot holes…could break a spring.  If that son of a  bitch would  fix  his road, I wouldn’t have play  Dodge ‘Em all the way to the farm.  FIX YOUR ROAD!!”
    “Red! You Fathead!*  You’re off the road…Yiiiiii…we’re going to turn over in the swamp.”
    “Get out ..  everybody out.”
    “Elsie…get out my door….not yours”
    “I can’t…I  cannot move.”
    “Why not?”
    “High heels have gone through the floorboards….pinned me here.”
    “Take off your shoes…crawl out…not that way…boys can see top of your nylons…girdle clips…be more graceful can’t you?”
    {*Calling Dad a Fathead  was the  closest Mom every got to swearing.  Dad made up for this lack  of obscenities however.}
    “Slip up the road  and  get Frank or Ted to come down  to haul us out.”

  • TARA … COONHOUND WITH PUPPIES

    “Marjorie, the humane society just called, they have a black  and tan coonhound pup up here.   Needs a home.”
    “Tell them to  Hold her for us.”
    “Are you sure?  Coonhounds are hunting dogs.”
    “They are so beautiful…affectionate,  loyal…shame to let that dog go too a gun lover.”
    And so we  adopted our Tara.  She was absolutely stunning as a pup and as an adult.
    Often men would stop to pet Tara…some even wanted us to give her up in hunting season.
    “Black and  tan, eh?  Does she bugle?”
    “Bugle?”
    “Coonhounds Holler like  Louis Armstrong’s trumpet when they tree a raccoon.  Love that sound,?
    “How is her nose?”
    “Nose?”
    “Black and tans are bred to hunt.  Sure not a  house  dog…traced back  to medieval times …to the Talbot Hound.  That hound  was mostly white back in the 16th century.  Some  were used to track  thieves  rather than small game.  Over here they were  bred  in the eastern mountains as great hunting dogs.  Once they get a scent, you  can
    forget about getting them back. Best to follow the nose..the bugling… until they tree whatever they chase. Not a house dog.”
    “But we  got Tara for the kids…for our house.  We do  not hunt. We hate guns and cannot understand  why hunters want to kill things.”
    “Well you got yourselves the  wrong dog, that is for sure.  Better to give her away to a hunter.”

  • SKATING DOWN THE ICE COVERED ROAD

    MARJORIE  AND  KEVIN SKATING DOWN THE FIFTH LINE

    There was a time  when the fifth line  was regularly ice covered  sometimes so thick and smooth that Marjorie and  Kevin skated from our farm right down  past Kerrs and on to Saunders, then Lietches and Fabers and onward. They could have reached Highway 7 easily. About two miles  of  ice covered road gently sloping south.

    (more…)

  • TOMORROW NEVER COMES (KIDS SWIM IN SWAMP)

    Impulse.  “Let’s ask all of Andrew’s friends up to the farm to swim in the swamp.”
    “boys  and girls?”
    “The whole bunch.”
    “What about the risks?”
    “Risks?”
    “Someone could drown…pushing and pulling…water will be  muddied up.”
    “Never going to happen….”

  • STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES: BARN BUILDING FIASCO

    From: Alan Skeoch
    Subject: Barn Building – a skill I seem to lack
    Date: January 5, 2018 at 3:01:48 PM GMT-5
    To: alanskeoch

    STUPID  IS AS STUPID DOES:  A  HARD LESSON LEARNED  IN BARN BUILDING

    alan skeoch
    january 2018

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    “Marjorie, stand  beside the car…Pregnancy getting close to term…we  are going to have a  baby!”“Alan, when  the baby arrives you will have  to pay attention to other things.”
    “Meaning what?”
    “Meaning,  I will need help.”
    “Right!  You can count on me.”
    “We can  no longer pile farm equipment and planks on the roof rack.”
    “Why not? The baby isn’t going be put on the roof rack, is it?
    “Think…think…think, Alan.  Or is that too much to ask?
    “Act like an adult for once  in your life.”
    So that is when  the great idea came to mind…like  a flash of  lightning.